It’s 2:33 and I’ve just been reminded by an email that I turn 36 today. How does it feel? Much like 35, but I think I’m feeling better about life in general. Ageing has been a good process for me. Particularly the past few years. Experience has allowed me to progressively see the world in a very different way.
At this point of the game I feel I can wholly accept life (and myself), whereas when I was younger I was constantly trying to change everything. I wanted to change how I looked, where I lived, how I interacted with the world and how the world interfered with my plans. Constant self-inflicted torment and torture. Pointless endeavours.
I’m very pleased to finally feel thorough contentment. The solid kind that isn’t easily shaken, that doesn’t depend on anything material and isn’t leveraged on other people’s opinions of me. I feel free. Yesterday we were discussing whether this happens because of the hard times we go through or despite them. I’m still not quite sure. Difficulties do make us more aware of the good times when they’re here.
Reading, learning and observing played a vital role in the process- so did CBT, in a strange delayed way. It didn’t relieve my anxiety at the time, but when I finally had the maturity to put it into practice, it worked like a treat. That was an interesting lesson. I wasn’t ready for change; Too attached to patterns of thought/behaviour with negative outcomes.
Anyway, it’s a beautiful day. The house is spotless as we spent the past week cleaning in preparation for yesterday’s visit. I even polished the brass fittings in the kitchen, so they’re shining as they were on their first day. The visit went very well, I think. The clients/buyers stayed for an hour, which is a good sign. They were charming and very complimentary about everything. They seemed to really ‘get’ the house and what we’ve attempted to create. They asked all the right questions- but you never know, it could go either way.