It Came Out All Wrong
Earlier I tried to write about the (my) schizoid personality type. Something few people understand or can relate to (so I generally avoid the topic all together). In fact when someone suggested I had it here about a year ago, I flat out denied it- my belated apologies. It’s a label doctors put on me and that for most of my life I’ve rejected. If you read the DSM criteria, you’ll see why. It gives the impression I’m someone like Dexter (but without the killing part). When I was younger I found the idea disturbing and I didn’t want to let anyone else define who I was. That means I am/was a covert schizoid in everything but in name. I can function well in society, but my most comfortable state is being alone. Fortunately now we’re getting a more open-minded view of Schizoids as in the first link above. I’m comfortable with this new perspective; Although the issue, my big issue, was that I didn’t (and don’t) believe this is an actual problem. It only becomes a problem when people try to force us to conform or expect that we react and ‘feel’ the way the majority of people do.
I’ve been lucky in that I found a partner who has a milder variation of the same thing, which evidently makes our relationship very easy as we understand each other. I’m saying all this because it relates to why I’ve been quiet lately. For the most part I can emulate the way the majority of people behave, even if what’s going through my head is different; But this takes a considerable amount of energy, so I can’t sustain it for prolonged periods. In practice this means that a few days ago when my mother wrote to tell me my grandmother has cancer my internal reaction was ‘so what?’, followed by ‘she’s in her 80′s, that’s the normal cycle of life, everyone has to die of something‘. But I know I’m not allowed to say those things out loud, it disturbs people, so I had to come up with something else. I wasn’t particularly patient that day, so I ended up with “From what I understand that’s not an aggressive form of cancer“. (She wrote because she doesn’t have my permission to contact me in any other way. She’s the only family member permitted any contact at all.) I tried to think of something kind or comforting to say, but nothing came to mind. This way of seeing the world also makes it hard for me to understand the behaviour of the parents of Ms. Why and Ms. Mine. They separated, had months of ups and downs and now they’re attempting a reconciliation- but none of what they do seems practical or very well thought through, or in line with achieving their goals. I mostly keep these opinions to myself, but lately it’s been somewhat difficult, so I decided to shut up all together for the past week as to not blurt out something terrible to anyone. Which obviously brings me back to the schizoid thing. How can seeing the world rationally possibly be considered a ‘disorder’? I actually have the impression my life functions much more smoothly than the lives of most people I know.