Suburbatorian Conversations

by pinkagendist

This is what happens behind closed doors when a gay man and three women from Suburbatoria have drinks:

Did you hear David Beckham is in Marbella?

Let me guess. He bought a house in Sierra Blanca, across the street from Simon Cowell.

No, I heard he’s doing an Adidas commercial.

A while back one of those real housewives people was here too.

The one that’s related to Jackie Kennedy’s sister? _____’s uncle is her second husband’s nephew.

No, one from the OC. Of the blonde variety

Here? Impossible.

Not here, here. In Marbella.

Marbella’s gone to the dogs.

That’s why we all left and came here.

Did you hear _____ is in Germany to have a prostate operation?

I heard you can get incontinent after that.

Worse, you can become impotent too.

Have you seen his wife lately? Impotence is probably a huge relief.

Those teeth and the blue eye-liner. Her face looks like some sort of hunting trap.

How about the hair? It looks like a bad wig.

I don’t know why they came to live here. They should have gone somewhere more like them.

You used to socialize with them.

I wanted to be nice.

You? Nice? Hardly.

Fine, I didn’t want to be cruel.

Laughs

I love your new outdoor chairs.

Do you? I loved them in my head, now I’m thinking they’re a bit too white and modern.

They look like the Philippe Starck chairs

Except mine were dirt cheap

How cheap?

40 euros each.

Where?

Leroy Merlin

Unbelievable, they look expensive

They’re comfortable

I’m tired of that woven plastic faux-rattan thing

Everyone’s got it now

That’s the problem living in a place like this. You do something and 5 minutes later everyone within a 5 mile radius copied it

That’s why I’m leaving

Are you really going to France?

Absolutely. Somewhere that’s not serviced by Easy-Jet, Ryan Air or any other discount airline

Laughs

I went to _____ yesterday. You can’t take a step inside without spending 50 euros. A bit of paté, some charcuterie. 50 euros. I usually go to _____ which is half the price, but I was in a hurry yesterday.

Remember when _____ first opened. You used to joke we’d need mace to go there and not get mugged.

I still feel that way sometimes. I always tell Mike to stay nearby. I used to walk really fast when people came near me.

You’re all a bunch of snobs

So, are you really moving here?

Of course she’s moving here. The situation now is ridiculous. She lives in a huge property alone, we live in a huge property alone. If she moves here at least we put the rest of the house to use and help each other a bit.

Yes, now I keep thinking that if I fall in the shower on a Friday, no one will know until the maid comes Monday morning.

That’ll probably be true if you live here too. The guest wing is way at the other end of the house.

At least I can scream for help.

We won’t hear you. Plus, when you’re dead I’ll tell your children you gave me the ______ tapestry.

Bastard

It’s ____’s big birthday this year. She wants to take everyone on a trip.

I don’t do group trips. Being stuck with people for a week. Insane.

She’s probably going to invite the _____’s and the _____’s

So annoying.

She feels sorry for them. Nobody invites them to anything.

There’s a reason for that. They’re unbearable.

Well, I’m not going anywhere with those people.

She’s going to be terribly disappointed if you say no.

I know, but I just can’t. I’d end up being unpleasant and that would ruin things for everyone. I’ll get her a nice gift to compensate.

You always do that. You get something amazing and make everyone else’s gifts look cheap.

I know. I love doing that.

I think we need more wine.

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