Project Protekt: For Shame! Bullying & Keeping It a Secret
by pinkagendist
Bullying and shame
“If you ever come home beaten-up, and the other boy didn’t get it worse than you, I’ll beat you up all over again”
No, my father didn’t actually hit me, ever, but he did say that. I was around nine years old and still remember it as if he had said it to me this morning. He also enrolled me in Jiu-Jitsu classes, somewhat against my will. I was by no means the macho-super-jock he had hoped for and his expectations in my pre-adolescence marked the death of our relationship. He was but a reflection of his culture. Men were supposed to be strong and tough. We’re supposed to chase girls. We’re supposed to take care of ourselves and fight our own battles. Yesterday, as I was detailing anti-gay bullying to a school principle in Florida, she asked me: Why didn’t he come to me sooner? Why did he let it go on for over a year? The answers were so obvious in my mind, I didn’t understand how they wouldn’t also be clear in the minds of others. In an effort to clarify the goals of Project ProteKT, I’m examining these issues in more detail and looking for a way to articulate them clearly. Bullying results in fear, shame, embarrassment and guilt which increase progressively whilst the bullying goes on. The victim isn’t just being confronted by the bully, he’s also confronted by the social expectation that he be a man, and the expectations he has of himself.
Catch 22: By asking for help the bullying victim feels he’s weak, he’s giving in, he feels the bullies must be right.
Shame is a powerful and painful emotion. So powerful it has been used by religious groups & sects to control their flocks for millenia. It’s caused primordially by a combination of a strong sense of guilt and embarrassment. It originates from the basic human sense of right and wrong. If you do something perceived as wrong, you feel guilty and ashamed and develop the belief that others will judge you for your alleged transgressions and finally that you merit punishment. This is a particularly dangerous aspect of anti-LGBTQ bullying because what’s perceived as wrong and meriting ridicule is an integral part of the individual’s identity. That means victims can begin to question the value of their own existence. The many recent LGBT suicides, from Kenneth Waishuhn to Eric James Borges to Tyler Clementi show us the devastating effects different forms of bullying can have on the youngsters in our community.
We are talking about a dangerous cycle where the shame imposed by bullies generates a secondary cycle of strong feelings based on a belief in having done wrong, whether or not that belief is correct. Compounding the situation even further is the sometimes permanent damage to the bullying victim’s psyche. In a recent conversation with my psychiatrist friend, Dr. Anita Harris, she explained that she has a patient that’s still dealing with the horrible reverberations of being relentlessly teased during his adolescence. What Anita describes is PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), which is manifested by a sense of unworthiness, undeservingness and non-entitlement. Bullying destroys self-confidence and self-esteem. It is unfortunately all too common for anyone being bullied to feel undue amounts of shame. That is a pattern assisted by society’s tendency to blame victims. The bully, noticing he has found a vulnerable target, then heaps on the guilt, increasing the belief in their victim that they (the target of abuse) are deserving of all the bad things that are now happening to them. This is the cycle we must find a way to stop. The first step to any victim’s rights campaigns is to remove the shame that is caused by victimization. Any ideas on how that can be done?
No different than many assaults, I have always told “victims:” “It is not about you. YOU are not in this.” The meaning: All that is most sacredly you, is still whole and complete. You are not in this. The bully needs to hurt someone to feel strong, the rapist needs to hurt someone to feel powerful, the Natzi needs to brutalize Jews to feel better/stronger/whole… but if it weren’t you, it would certainly be someone else. You are not in this. It is only what you represent to them… whatever that might be, in the end, they are seeking someone who is weaker, in their eyes. In their eyes. That might mean that you are (the one bullied) is kinder, is not violent, is not an athlete, is a Jew, is black, is gay, is a woman… it does not mean that you are actually weaker, but the bully has labeled you that. If you can step outside the physical shell of you for a moment, and realize that what they saw… what drew them to you… is no the sum of your parts, not all of the beautiful, intricate colors that make you special and unique, then you can overcome most things… There is always a tribe for each of us. Finding them isn’t always easy, and it can feel very lonely when we’re being bullied and we seem to be alone; we feel that it is something about us that deserves the abuse… but it is never really about us. It is always about a failing in the bully. A weakness or broken piece in them, that needs to hurt others to feel stronger. The more the person being bullied can say this and believe it: “This is not about ME, I am not in this,” despite the blows (physical or emotional) the more they can maintain some dignity and strength, and hope that their tribe is out there, and there is a world of contentment and peace there.
Ok, I’m stepping down off my box top now… but you asked.
That was beautifully said! I’m going to take it, do a tiny bit of editing and steal it for Project ProteKT
As long as you don’t go telling everyone you made it up Pink… we’re good. Glad you appreciate my thoughts, I believe those words and have held them for a long time. I am not in any way belittling the pain/horror/shame of bullying, rape, torture, brutality… but I have also been humbled by survivors of some of the most horrific things, who ultimately say: they did not touch ME. It is a testament to the ability to rise above the most horrible of things, even as I totally understand that not everyone can. Each of us faces our own demons, and comes through it in our own way. It’s a private journey in one sense, but it helps to know that others share it.
like, like, triple, like!
Is that a lesbian joke? Like, lick, lick, triple lick?
ewwwwwwwwww. and yes.
Thanks Mom.
Excellent post, and great work as well.
Thanks, Brandon!
yay, i agree with all of the above and i think you are doing it little by little. i would say read up on all the stuff, the literature that consists of what makes up a bully and how bullies pick their targets. even the adult bullying stuff. i find that literature particularly interesting because it seems in the adult world that bullies pick on people who are ‘very good at their jobs’ or ‘experts at something’ and ‘unable or unwilling to fight back’. i think it’s interesting that bullies focus on people that i think they would like to be in the adult world. so, maybe with a kid there is a focus of ‘the bully focuses on what is UNIQUE about you’ because he is afraid of it. the bully is a conformist of the highest order. just some thoughts…http://www.problematwork.com/1784/how-bullies-select-their-targets/
read this. i’m going to tweet out the petition. it’s bullshit. http://cyclingrandma.wordpress.com/2012/04/26/a-gold-award-an-84th-birthday-a-petition/#comment-974 xo, sm
I read about that in the HuffPo… they got rid of her after she exposed some shady financial dealings…
what a pack of a-holes. do they give an a-hole badge out? we should create one…i’d love to leave an a-hole badge on a boy scouts site. what a bunch of d*cks.
I LOVE IT!!! Why don’t we create evil & cruel blog awards to hand out? It would be sooooooooo much fun!!!!!!!!
i would love. i’m a horrible designer tho. know any?
Come up with the names and I’ll play around with the graphics
definitely an a-hole badge. like a class a+ ahole. i’ll look through some clip art too…hmmm, let me think. i may have some other ideas…
The a**hole badge. It should be a giant, puckered ass. LOL
It’s funny that you mention the victim being afraid to tell anyone because of shame and feeling that he is weak. That was not MY reason for going to an adult sooner. I just knew that there wasn’t a damn thing that they could do about it. The bullies (I had 3) would get reprimanded/punished, and they, in turn, would take it out on me…and that’s exactly what happened when I finally told my mother that I was afraid to go to school. She was livid. She and my father met with the principal, who in turn, met with the parents of the boys. One of them pushed my head into a stucco wall and stepped up their taunting and name calling.
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Props to sweetmother–a lot of bullying stems from jealousy. Many of the bullies I knew relied on their ability to find the “least cool” person in the room as their target–as they saw me finding acceptance among other kids (whom they wanted to be accepted by), bullying me stopped because it stopped getting them the attention they wanted. This didn’t stop them from bullying other kids later on, nor did it stop me from becoming a bully when my precarious social position was threatened. They also stopped because they saw that they weren’t bothering me any more–I wasn’t acting like a victim. Like motherland said, I found other sources of identity. Acting a victim can follow you far beyond school–one of my coworkers has been abused in her adult relationships, and many of her students have bullied her because they subconsciously recognize her victimhood. She’s thirty to forty years older than they are and in a position of authority over them, but that doesn’t change the interplay of their personalities.