Your Guide to Gay Sextiquette: Oops, to do & not to do

by pinkagendist

Navigating gay sex in our very diverse gay world can be difficult, so if you’re just starting out, here’s what I’ve learned from my own experience. Let’s begin with the sensitive issues:

1. Oops: Sex with the black man: After a black man disrobes, you’ll see something the size of a meerkat or ferret in a shade ever so slightly darker than his own skin. Don’t panic! Don’t try to swat it. Don’t throw your shoe at it. Certainly don’t pull out a hand-gun and try to shoot it! Even though it is the size of a ferret and bobs around as if it’s alive, if you look carefully you’ll notice it is connected to the man’s body. Reactions to this situation vary widely, and sometimes are accompanied by nervous laughter. My personal response was: “I apologize, but you’re not putting that thing anywhere near me, I’m too young to choke to death or be impaled.” After apologizing, get dressed and leave, there’s no need to run, or jump up on a chair, it won’t bite you!

2. Oops: The incy wincy penis, too small to climb up a spout: Do not point at it. Do not laugh. Don’t ask him if he’s half Asian. Don’t squint or reach for the magnifying glass you see laying on your desk.  Reactions to this situation do not vary widely, but sometimes are accompanied by nervous laughter. My personal response was: “I apologize, but you’re physically unable to put that thing anywhere near me, no matter how hard you try, I suggest you start dating a little person, because then at least it’s in their eye-line.”

3. Oops: De-veining shrimp; Where did the hot chocolate come from? Sure we don’t have to deal with lady problems like sea-food odours coming from our genitals (well, some of us might have crabs, but that doesn’t count as an odour) but we have our own issues. Stop pretending, we’ve all seen it happen, and if you didn’t see it happening that’s because you were probably the one leaving the stain or the little brown nugget on someone else’s bed. The proper sextiquette? Pretend it never happened. No pointing! No laughing! Don’t ask him if he was eating chocolate during sex. Don’t ask him if you were eating chocolate during sex. Say nothing until his departure and then just shower and change the sheets (or tell the maid to do it).

4. Oops: I was drunk. Who are you? This is an unavoidable moment for most gays. It is usually the result of that last round of tequila shots a random chubby guy buys for you and your friends. So you wake up and chubby guy is snoring next to you. Don’t panic! Don’t scream! Don’t try to swat him or throw a shoe at him and don’t pull out a hand-gun and try to shoot him! Take a deep breath. It’s happened to all of us and it’s very difficult to prove in a court of law beyond a reasonable doubt. He’s going to try to make you breakfast, when you say you have work to do he’s going to try to take you out to lunch or dinner. Politely explain you’re moving to Shenzhen in China. When he offers to sell-up and come with you, explain you’re confused and you might not be gay after all.

5. Oops: I was drunk, where am I? This is also an unavoidable moment for most gays. It is usually the result of that last round of tequila shots a random chubby guy buys for you and your friends. So you wake up, a chubby guy is snoring next to you, and you have no idea where you are. Don’t panic! Don’t scream! Don’t try to swat him or throw a shoe at him and don’t pull out a hand-gun and try to shoot him! Take a deep breath. It’s happened to all of us and very difficult to prove in a court of law beyond a reasonable doubt. Get up quietly before he tries to make you breakfast, or invites you out to lunch or dinner. Check his phone to see if you gave him your number last night and if you did, delete it. Leave a note saying you’re considering moving to Shenzhen in China because you need space, you’re confused and you might not be gay after all.

6. Oops: Did you drug me? Who am I? Your head feels heavy? You don’t recognize the bedroom? There’s a fat man beside you in bed? You have a faint memory of him talking about Shenzhen in China and him complaining about you being in a gay bar? Reach for your phone very quietly and dial 911. Chances are you’ve been drugged by formerly chubby, now fat guy. If he wakes up panic! Try to swat him! Throw your shoe at him!

7. Oops: He thinks he’s your boyfriend! This is an extraordinarily common occurrence. Sometimes it happens while you’re still at the bar after just being introduced to someone, but happens more commonly after the third time you’ve had sex with the same guy. Tell-tale signs include the tattoo of your name he had done on his wrist (right by the scars of where he used to cut himself), the picture he copied from your facebook page and keeps in his wallet and the wedding album he carries around with him all the time with his and your initials intertwined on the cover. This one requires extreme measures: Pack your bags, call the airline, move to Shenzhen in China, it’s a huge city he’ll never find you!

8. Oops: Now you’re living in Shenzhen? Refer back to point number 2, and everything should be fine!!!

About these ads